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No One Belongs Here More Than You

A friend of mine just recommended the book No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July. I was interested after seeing the cover (I’m a huge fan of simple text with no images), but a bit leery since it’s a book of short stories. I’ve never read a good compilation of short stories, but after seeing the website I immediately placed a hold to pick up the book at the Mid Manhattan Library on my lunch hour. I just love the clever, fun creativity of the website. Check it out at No One Belongs Here More Than You.

Let’s hope this book is good! I need something to kill some time while on the plane & the beach in Florida this week!

Fat America

The NY Times has a pretty good article about the “elephant in the room” in the health care reform debate: our food. It’s no secret that America is known as a fat nation, and just by taking a drive down any main street in suburbia, it’s not hard to see why. Apparently three-quarters of health care spending currently goes towards “preventable chronic diseases.” $147 billion to treat obesity. $116 billion to treat diabetes. And hundreds of billions more towards cardiovascular disease and different types of cancer that are most likely a result of our horrible eating habits. But of course, trying to fix this would require a giant restructure of every food outlet in America which seems undoubtedly impossible. It’s hard enough to encourage one person to eat healthier let alone an entire nation. And which fast food giants are going to voluntarily clean up their entire menu, or lower their portion size? I suppose we’ll just have to face the facts. As a relatively young country, America is a melting pot of cultures in which we have seemingly come to adapt the fast food culture as our own. For most Americans, it takes great willpower and strength to opt for a healthy meal. Before I get carried away, you should probably just go check out the article.

The mind of a 9/11 Conspiracist

I’ve been in several heated arguments with conspiracy theorists regarding the events of 9/11. I’m pretty sure this article by Matthew Diffee pretty much sums up my views.

After watching a program on the National Geographic Channel, Diffee points out that thirty-three percent of Americans believe that the U.S. government carried out 9/11, or at least allowed it to happen. In a way that is more humorously easy to relate to by most average-minded Americans, he states “that means that one of the Jonas Brothers believes that the U.S. government blew up the World Trade Center towers with super thermite explosives, shot the Pentagon with one of its own cruise missiles, and used an F-16 to shoot down a Boeing 757 full of innocent people in order to achieve a financial or political advantage.”

But I’d like to call to point these FIVE RIDICULOUS THINGS YOU HAVE TO THINK IN ORDER TO BELIEVE THAT 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB:

1. The way those buildings came down looked a lot more like the footage I’ve seen of planned demolitions than the footage from all those other times when buildings were hit by jumbo jets.

2. From January 20, 2001, until January 20, 2009, whenever something bad happened, Bush was somehow behind it.

3. You have to be a really accomplished pilot to crash an airplane good.

4. Anyone who denies that the government operates according to secret, evil, greedy motives is secret, evil, and greedy.

5. Boy, I sure wish my life were more like the movies.

Monkey Music

According to this article on Wired.com, aging men with 20 year old frizzy mullets are not the only Metallica fans.

Tamarin monkeys did not respond at all to Nine Inch Nails, Tool or Samuel Barber’s “Adagio for String,” but they did become slightly calmer upon hearing Metallica’s “Of Wolf and Man.” The other types of music in which these monkeys responded to were a series of “Monkey Music” orchestrated specifically for these primates.

If you want to hear the difference between Happy Monkey Music and Fearful Monkey Music, check out the full article here.

Random Thoughts For The Day

A coworker just forwarded me these Random Thoughts For The Day. Normally I severely frown upon silly forwarded emails, but since I can identify with about 95% of these, I felt the urge to share the majority. Enjoy!

I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you’re wrong.

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in
the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But
instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which
you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or
make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the
surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the
sidewalk.

That’s enough, Nickelback.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work?
You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the
problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix
the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just
figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over
there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go
left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide
myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried
to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re
cognize their own image.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a
text.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as
none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name.
He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear
is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and
smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had
to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as
in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB
gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for
the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to
have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to
die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?’

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and
USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but
when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles…

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find
out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that
I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet
my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in
about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link
takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the
restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like
being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Wow

This is insane! This little girl had developed heart problems at 8 months old, so the doctors put her on a waiting list to receive a new heart. Then she developed lung problems as a result, and since they didn’t want to risk the double transplant at such a young age, they decided to give her a new donor heart ON TOP OF her normal heart in hopes that her heart would repair itself! So after about 5 years of having two hearts, her original heart healed itself and both were working fine so they opted not to remove the donor heart. But as a result of the medication she was taking to make sure her body did not reject the heart, she developed cancer which spread and required chemotherapy. Apparently they cleared that up, and after 10 years of living with two hearts, the donor heart failed as a result of the cancer and whatnot, but by then her original heart had healed 100%. So they removed her donor heart, and now she is left with her original, fully functional, fully healthy heart! Crazy what technology, science and good surgeons can do for people nowadays!

Digital life + Real life

Did you know, statistically speaking, Twitter users enjoy sex more? Myspace users tend to be lazy? What does your favorite social network say about you?

AN OPEN LETTER TO PRESIDENT OBAMA

Dear President Obama,

I have found myself amongst the many throngs of both American companies and individuals; tinkering on the verge of bankruptcy. Although my situation may not be as severe as say, a money laundering CEO, I too have found myself fall victim to this current economic situation.

In order to pay for school without straining the American banks, I turned four years of college into six and a half almost entirely out of pocket years, by sacrificing and starting at a community college to transfer. I not only put faith in myself but in my country as well, that upon graduation I would find a job to pay back these student loans. Well, the job market is tough right now which I’m sure we’re all more than aware. And since I am still claimed as a dependent to my father in order to maintain health insurance, I was never eligible for any of these stimulus packages that were offered by the government. Nevermind the fact that I have worked extremely hard, often times full time PLUS a part time job, while attending school full time for the past EIGHT YEARS OF MY LIFE. I was not eligible for a measly $600 or $700 as a stimulus.

So I ask you, Mr. President; please pay more attention to those who are working hard to advance themselves and are succeeding little by little. Some of us do not come from rich parents. Some of us have annual college tuition that costs more than our family income (as a direct result of the current automotive situation). You do not see us struggling by means of welfare, foodstamps and horrible credit because we are cautious. We make many sacrifices to prevent a further economic downturn. We are excited about our future and want nothing more than to succeed, but we know that it is a tedious, frustrating process at times. We have proven to work hard, sacrificing many hours that could be spent on schoolwork, family and friends, to work full time and pay our rent. We have perfect credit, and we live paycheck to paycheck, while slowing increasing our financial debts. We did not prematurely bring any children into this world because we are responsible and know that we are in no condition to support another life while we are trying to make a life for ourselves. Take a minute to consider those who have made sacrifices incomparable to others our age. Lighten up when you charge a full time student $1,500 in taxes for the year, when she only made $16,000 to start out with and already paid $2,000 in taxes. It’s amazing that we’ve learned how to adapt in places such as New York City, to live off of $16,000 a year, but to pay an additional $1500 come tax time just because we are dependents? It’s like another slap in the face. But, we cannot move to less prospering cities that are falling apart because there are no jobs.

So please, Mr. President, let’s get a grasp on who we are trying to help out in these hard times. I am not asking to redistribute the wealth, because those who have worked hard for their money do not deserve to be taxed more in order to pay for those who have not worked nearly as hard. I am simply asking that you not forget about those such as myself when the stimulus packages are distributed.

Sincerely,

Working students from lower middle class families of America

IT’S GETTIN HOT IN HERE…

Okay, so I know this whole global warming thing is kind of a huge issue. But it’s something I’ve always thought was “so far off, it’s not going to affect my lifetime all that much.” Nonetheless, I have tried to do a small part in preventing global warming- recycling, public transportation.. But the more I read the news, the more I feel like global warming is going to affect us all, suddenly, unexpectedly.

I just read the Yahoo! news story about the north pole ice caps melting completely this summer for the first time in human history. And of course, what is being discussed as a result of this? Who has custody over that area once it becomes open water, and can they drill oil? Seriously? We’re about to witness something that has been frozen solid for as long as we’ve known just MELT AWAY TO NOTHING, and they’re worried about drilling for oil? Doesn’t it cross their minds that the pure existence of mankind could be wiped out any day? And if that’s the case, we really don’t need oil now do we? I think it’s time we evolve past the age of oil, and not protecting the environment. Sure that was a huge step forward when coal powered machinery and oil was first discovered, but it’s past 2000 now. It’s time to figure out a new source of energy to fuel this world.

I don’t know, it just seems to me like all of these reports keep predicting that “in the future” all of these changes are going to happen; such as the polar ice caps melting. And then all of a sudden we wake up one day and turn on the news, and what do we see? The future is now. All of this stuff that is so far off is happening today so how can we be so sure as to what’s in store for our futures?

Seriously, I think something needs to be done, and us “normal folk” are not enough to make a difference. The world needs to change the way they use their resources, and how we depend on things such as oil to fuel our way of life. The government, and the world leaders need to refocus their money hungry views and do something that is going to prolong the life of humankind.