A coworker just forwarded me these Random Thoughts For The Day. Normally I severely frown upon silly forwarded emails, but since I can identify with about 95% of these, I felt the urge to share the majority. Enjoy!
I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize
you’re wrong.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in
the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But
instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which
you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or
make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the
surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the
sidewalk.
That’s enough, Nickelback.
I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work?
You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the
problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix
the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just
figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly
realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes
stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes
shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right
parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond
earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on
highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I
decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over
there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go
left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide
myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried
to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re
cognize their own image.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2
trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your
computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a
text.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as
none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name.
He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear
is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and
smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I
will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had
to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as
in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively
swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know
how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person
died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower
first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and
you can wear them forever.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is
public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB
gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when
you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for
the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to
have to restart my collection.
There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to
die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I
want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did
not make any changes to.
“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV.
There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I
keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a
matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be
friends after this?’
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and
USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when
Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but
when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.
What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I
like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for
pedophiles…
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no
matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know
what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer
when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find
out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that
I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a
pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet
my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in
about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link
takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive
behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday
night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they
had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the
restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then
estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a
large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like
being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
